Birth Stories | Tiril

TIRIL | LETTING THE SUN IN + LETTING GO

As the constraints of lockdown continue, we continue to spread positivity and light from mamas across the globe. This week, from Oslo, as mama @tirilrefsum shares her transition in to motherhood with the birth of her daughter Molly in January this year.

Postpartum, is a strange bubble. Birth is a long process, still ongoing, long after the birth. Months down the line now, and I am given life again as a woman and mother. Skinless and vulnerable, but I am here. Completely prepared and yet not at all, for all that awaits. The weeks have drifted away, but the birth lives within me as if it was yesterday.

I had prepared herbal tonics, the essential oils and diffuser and had created beautiful playlists a couple of weeks beforehand; I was ready for birth long before my due date. I felt so sure I would give birth early, but as the days passed, I realised this is just the beginning of not having control and my impatience got a real test. In the afternoon I started to feel the tightenings creep in. Chris (my partner) got so excited and started to count the seconds on an app. I knew there was still time, so I tried to relax. I even drove to the baby shop to check a few things with my baby wrap carrier, stopping every now and then to breathe through the increasing tightenings. I knew a big job was waiting ahead of me, but keeping myself busy felt good. As the evening came, I bounced on my birth ball, as I’d heard it could help with the process. Chris continued to count seconds, still very excited. I tried to stay cool. I sent a message to my doula to keep her updated. We all knew that we weren’t going to sleep much that night. I knew I was built for this, yet many thoughts came in, telling me I should be nervous by now.

It was 3 in the morning and I couldn’t sleep. The contractions were so strong, and I had to focus all of my energy on breathing deeply, I knew we had to leave soon for the birth clinic. I went into the bath tub and tried to relax. Just after a few minutes in the hot water, a very powerful contraction took hold, which made me throw up. I knew that I needed some nutrition for the work ahead, but there was no way I could stomach anything. I called my doula again, and we decided it was time to go in. We arrived at 05:30, and I barely got through the door before I was on all fours. No talking or walking felt possible at the peak of a contraction. It felt like the world around me faded. It’s funny how simple and raw it all was. All I needed was my birth team and my breath. As I entered the warm water of the birth pool, surrounded by candle light, I could feel the support of the water calm me down. I knew, now is the time to let go. Ava Rose (our birth photographer) came slowly in to the room with her camera, and another midwife entered as the shifts changed. The team was ready, and I felt like I was surrounded by angels.

I spent another couple of hours in the water, and then my body knew it was time to push. I was so tired. I knew I should eat, but I couldn’t manage it. My midwife gently encouraged me to leave the tub, so I could push Molly down, as she felt I was almost too relaxed and now I needed power. My cervix was 7cm open. My doula and Chris supported me out and helped me in to a position where I stood between them and I let go completely with the next contraction. I felt like I was going in to a thousand pieces, not in a good or a bad way, but just dissolving. The old me tried to stay, keeping me tense, but I knew that only softness could help me. I got on to the bed and continued pushing. My midwife encouraged me to reach down and feel Molly’s head, but I resisted, and she encouraged me again.

“I felt my power come back as I touched her little head and soft hair”.

TIRIL

The morning sun entered the room, but I was still deeply focused within. I knew there were only minutes left, and that gave me power and strength. With my hands still on Molly’s head, I felt her time was nearly here. My midwife was so happy and positive, and I knew we would make this. She supported me so well in those last few minutes of pushing. The timing was amazing. I knew when to slow down and when to push. With my hand still on her head, it made it possible for me to connect deeply with her entrance. My doula and Chris, were right there with me all the time; cheering me on, caring and holding me close. Then at 10.10am on 30.01.2020 I caught little Molly with both of my hands. There was only silence, relief and peace left. I could feel the sun in the room now and we were in heaven.

Let your story be an inspiration for others

If you have a #BirthStory you’d like to share + see featured on the blog
send it to sarah@thebirthcircle.co.uk or tag @thebirthcircleuk in your post

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